Today I received the official medical report on Luke confirming his Autism. I have been checking the mail every day as soon as the mailman passes by, anticipating this report (ECEP - Early Childhood Evaluation Program). Mostly because it is a huge key in more services for Luke. I didn't know it had such emotion attached to it as well.
As I sat down on the stairs out front, ripping the envelope as fast as I could, I was thinking, "Thank you Lord, for this. More doors will open for Luke, he's gonna get specified care now, he is going to improve more with this." I was happy, relieved, at peace with the week we have had. (It hasn't been horrible but it hasn't been the best. Days off of school are going to be a hard transition and something we're going to need help with.)
I was reading through all the legal jargon and thinking, "Okay, seems standard. Blah, blah, blah." As I kept going I got to the part where they started talking about Luke. The first time I read, "Luke is significantly delayed in" I started to cry. Then I thought, "You're ridiculous Christina, you know this already." I got myself together and read on.
After I was done with all 20 or so pages, I picked up the phone to call one of the Dr.'s that was in on the evaluation because I had questions about some of the suggestions. As I left the message I started to lose the coolness of my tone and I felt tears coming. I had to cut the message short because I couldn't hold it together. I sat on the front steps sobbing and then felt stupid for sobbing over something I have known about for months.
I remember sitting in at the school's evaluation report and the psychologist there saying, "Luke has been found to be autistic." Josh and I both nodded our heads and said, "Okay." and then they said, "Are you guys okay? You seem so calm. Do you need anything?" I replied, "We knew he was, so it's not a surprise. We are prepared for this." And then in July when the Dr. from the ECEP team said, "Luke has been found to have autistic disorder." Again Josh and I nodded. Then we were asked, "Are you guys okay? This isn't the reaction we were expecting." Again, I replied, "We already know he is. We just want to know how to help him. What else can we do?"
Looking back I realize they were expecting some bit of emotion from one of us, well let's be honest, me. I think I was just so focused on getting him help, it really wasn't sinking in all the way. No, I wasn't in denial, I accepted the diagnosis from the beginning and hit the ground running trying to research and get Luke help. And no, I'm not sad that my son is autistic, I accept him fully, and am his biggest cheerleader & advocate. I think I'm just really good at stifling emotion when it comes to someone I love. I feel like I need to stay strong and I can cry later.
Well my later was today. I guess you can call the tears, tears of relief. We have all the pieces now to get Luke help. We have the "proof" for the doubters, the official word on what care he needs, the official word on exactly what makes him autistic. It's officially official, our son is autistic.
Dear Me,
It's okay to cry, people don't judge as harshly as you think. Just because you cry doesn't mean you are less of a mother, a wife, a person. There really isn't a rule that says otherwise. Luke loves you, never forget that. He is going to be alright. His future is very bright, especially with you and Josh on his side. Keep your chin up and look at what you have been given. You are blessed.
Love,
Me
Love,
Me
Christina, we all cry in our own time. Cody had been diagnosed with Asperger's, Asthma, and GERD long before his subsequent diagnosis of Tourette's Syndrome. I remember going to the doctor appt. with him and hearing this diagnosis for the first time. I was going to leave there and go to class. Cody was going to be with my parents. I drove to class and about 15 minutes before getting there, tears streamed down my cheeks. I got to class and asked to talk with my instructor privately. I held back my tears as best as possible and told her I'd just received confirmation on yet another diagnosis for Cody. I told her I needed to be excused from class; that I needed to go home and cry. There are a flood of emotions that we as parents "push-down" all the time because we have to be in control in order to be effective parents. But once in a while, we can't do it anymore and that's OK!!!! I've learned that it's OK for me to cry. It's just part of loving our children. And your title is correct. It's our grief.- Cheryl
ReplyDeleteChristina,
ReplyDeleteI want to correct you on one statement. Luke is not autistic. Luke is a child with autism. It's person first vocabulary, and you will learn to become very familar with it. It's important to always remember that Luke is a child first. He will learn, and grow as you mentioned in your most recent blog, and it will be an exciting moment. People with autism are always learning. Have faith in that. You and Josh will are wonderful parents and will always do the right thing!
Christina,
ReplyDeleteMy mom told me a story about an injury that my brother had while we were on a trip visiting some friends. He was a pretty young kid at the time, so, for some reason, was under their bed and cut his arm on the box springs. The cut was deep: down to the bone. My mom didn't panic, she whisked him away, drove until she could find the local hospital, and quickly forced her way through the emergency room hoopla. When she finally got him to the doctor, she actually passed out. I know it's not really the same situation, but your story reminded me of that. Mom got done what needed doing, so the "Mama Bear" instinct finally got to relax.
I'm glad you got to have a good cry, Mama Bear. Try to relax, everything is going to work out.
Keeping all of you in my thoughts,
Linda